In a spectacle that could only be described as geopolitical theater of the absurd, President Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky met today in the Oval Office. The agenda? A minerals deal that promises to be as clear-cut as a foggy night in London.

The Art of the Minerals Deal

Trump, ever the dealmaker, has been eyeing Ukraine’s untapped mineral wealth like a child eyes the last cookie in the jar. The proposed agreement would grant American companies access to Ukraine’s rare earth elements, oil, and gas reserves. In return, Ukraine gets… well, that’s where things get murky.

According to the draft agreement, the U.S. will pocket a cool 50% of the revenues from resource extraction. The remaining half is earmarked for a joint investment fund aimed at “managing mining projects” and “attracting foreign investment” for Ukraine’s recovery. Security guarantees for Ukraine? Not in this script.

Diplomacy or Domination?

The meeting, intended to solidify this economic partnership, quickly devolved into a masterclass of diplomatic strong-arming. Trump, with Vice President JD Vance nodding in agreement, chastised Zelensky for his perceived ingratitude, suggesting that Ukraine should be more appreciative of U.S. support. The message was clear: “Make a deal with Russia, or we’re out.”

Zelensky, maintaining his composure, reminded the room of Russia’s history of trampling over agreements like a bull in a china shop. He emphasized the necessity of robust security assurances, a point that seemed to bounce off the walls without leaving an impression.

The Elephant in the Room

While the minerals deal was the headline act, the underlying tension was palpable. Trump’s recent overtures to Russian President Vladimir Putin have left Ukraine and its European allies feeling like the third wheel on a very awkward date. The U.S. has been engaging in discussions with Russia, notably excluding Ukraine from the conversation. This has led to a chorus of concern from European leaders, warning against any backdoor deals that could undermine Ukraine’s sovereignty.

A Meeting of Minds?

As the meeting concluded, it was evident that the chasm between the two leaders had only widened. Trump, ever the optimist, touted the economic benefits of the minerals deal, framing it as a win-win. Zelensky, on the other hand, left the White House with little more than a handshake and a reminder that in the high-stakes game of international diplomacy, the house always wins.

In the end, today’s encounter served as a stark reminder that in the world of politics, deals are rarely as straightforward as they seem, and the fine print often tells a story all its own.