50. Mark Zuckerberg

Charges: Continues his reign as the Silicon Valley Overlord of Doom, turning social media into a psychological warzone where democracy goes to die. Profits off misinformation, radicalization, and brain-melting algorithms while cosplaying as a concerned “technologist.” Still somehow convinced we’re all excited about his horrifying metaverse dystopia.
Exhibit A: A 2024 Senate investigation revealed Meta funneled $500 million into lobbying against antitrust laws while its platforms amplified 1.2 billion misinformation views during the midterms.
Self-damning testimony: Testified in 2024, “We’re just connecting people,” as a congressional report showed Meta’s algorithms boosted election fraud conspiracies by 300%.
Sentence: Locked in an eternal Facebook comment war with antivaxx boomers.

49. Joe Manchin

Charges: The human embodiment of “both sides,” spent years sabotaging his own party before deciding he might just run for president to make sure nothing good ever happens again. West Virginia remains a smoking crater of poverty and despair, but at least the coal industry he profits from is doing great!
Exhibit A: In 2024, West Virginia ranked dead last in national healthcare access while Manchin’s coal holdings raked in a record $12 million profit.
Self-damning testimony: Smirked on CNN in 2024, “I’m an independent thinker,” while his coal-linked investments soared past $5 million.
Sentence: Forced to live on minimum wage in a West Virginia town he’s never visited.

48. Marjorie Taylor Greene

Charges: America’s most batshit PTA mom turned congresswoman. Peddles conspiracy theories so deranged that even Alex Jones occasionally cringes. Recently decided that blue states should secede, proving she doesn’t understand geography, history, or the basic function of her own job.
Exhibit A: In 2024, she introduced a bill to “investigate Jewish space lasers” as a wildfire cause, which was laughed out of committee in under 24 hours.
Self-damning testimony: Ranted on X in 2024, “California should leave—let’s see how they like no borders!” oblivious to the fact states don’t have customs checkpoints.
Sentence: Replaced with AI-generated congressional speeches; no one notices the difference.

47. Taylor Swift

Charges: America’s reigning pop monarch has mastered the art of self-mythologizing to the point where her fans would probably storm the Capitol if she asked them to. In 2024, she turned her fanbase into an economic juggernaut, bleeding them dry with overpriced concert tickets, re-released albums (of albums she already owns), and “Eras Tour” screenings where the privilege of watching her on a screen somehow cost more than a mortgage payment. But don’t question it—Swifties will find you, dox you, and leave a flaming bag of cat-themed merch on your doorstep. While she publicly plays the relatable girl-next-door, her private jet’s carbon footprint makes Exxon executives blush, and her billionaire empire thrives under the same capitalist system she claims to side-eye.

Exhibit A: The “Eras Tour” grossed $2.2 billion, the most lucrative tour in history, yet fans were still forced to fork over thousands for tickets due to the Ticketmaster monopoly—one she subtly condemned while still benefiting from its cutthroat pricing schemes.

Self-damning testimony: Once told a Rolling Stone writer, “I’m just trying to live a normal life… I go to the grocery store, I cook dinner…”, while adjusting the settings on her personal jet to ensure it wouldn’t be tracked.

Sentence: Forced to personally refund every fan who went into debt for a concert ticket, one awkwardly scripted “I love you so much” at a time.

46. Sean Hannity

Charges: A talking Fox News meatloaf who’s spent decades dribbling propaganda into America’s brain like a slow IV drip of stupidity. Still pushing “deep state” nonsense while pretending not to have a direct line to every Republican lawmaker in the country.
Exhibit A: In 2024, leaked texts showed Hannity coordinating Trump’s legal defense talking points with GOP aides hours before his nightly broadcast.
Self-damning testimony: Screamed on air in 2024, “The deep state framed Trump!” while texting GOP senators off-camera for the next segment’s talking points.
Sentence: Forced to interview nothing but Trump trial jurors for eternity.

45. Ron DeSantis

Charges: Spent his entire presidential campaign trying to prove that he’s a more boring, more unlikable version of Trump, and somehow succeeded. Declared war on Disney, books, and basic human joy. Made Florida a laboratory for authoritarianism while blaming the “woke mind virus” for his charisma deficit.
Exhibit A: Florida’s 2024 education budget slashed $300 million from public schools while DeSantis approved a $50 million “anti-woke” curriculum overhaul.
Self-damning testimony: Stiffly declared at a 2024 rally, “Woke ideology is a cancer,” while banning a book about Rosa Parks for being “too divisive.”
Sentence: Locked in Disney World’s “It’s a Small World” ride forever, listening to animatronic children sing in a loop.

44. Every CEO Who Laid Off Thousands While Pocketing Record Profits

Charges: Used “economic downturn” as an excuse to fire thousands of workers while personally making enough money to buy a mid-sized European country. Still expecting applause for allowing some people to work from home three days a week.
Exhibit A: A 2024 report found the top 50 layoff-happy CEOs collectively pocketed $1.8 billion in bonuses while axing 250,000 jobs in a single quarter.
Self-damning testimony: A 2024 earnings call featured one smugly saying, “We’re leaner now,” as his company cut 15,000 jobs and he bought a $20M yacht.
Sentence: Forced to actually do the jobs they eliminated for one day or get locked in the same cell as Luigi Mangione.

43. The Paul Brothers (Jake & Logan Paul)

Charges: YouTube’s most punchable duo spent 2024 pushing NFT scams, fixing fake boxing matches, and selling overpriced “Maverick” merch to kids. A cross between grifting televangelists and high school bullies, their empire is built on the IQ of their fans.
Exhibit A: Their 2024 crypto scheme cost investors $30 million, while their “pay-per-view boxing match” drew 1 million buys—only to be revealed as scripted.
Self-damning testimony: Bragged on X, “I’m just an entrepreneur,” as lawsuits from scammed fans flooded in.
Sentence: Forced to fight actual professional boxers—no staged knockouts.

42. YouTube “Reactors”

Charges: The lowest form of content leech, these human parasites film themselves watching things other people actually made, then slap a “WOW” in the thumbnail and rake in millions of views. Effectively taking advantage of people’s loneliness and monetizing their pain. The internet’s intellectual meta-graveyard. The human equivalent of microwave popcorn, they’ve mastered the art of adding nothing while profiting off stolen content.
Exhibit A: A top “reaction” YouTuber made $5 million in 2024 by watching Breaking Bad in 10-minute increments with zero commentary beyond “whoa.”
Self-damning testimony: Said in an interview, “I bring entertainment to people,” while nodding at an Avengers clip in silence.
Sentence: Forced to produce original content and watch it alone.

41. Kyrsten Sinema

Charges: Left the Democratic Party just in time to become the Senate’s most useless “independent,” spending 2024 doing nothing but attending donor luncheons and collecting corporate cash. Still preens like she’s an icon of maverick politics while Arizona burns.
Exhibit A: Raised $10 million in corporate PAC donations in 2024 while polling at 9% in Arizona.
Self-damning testimony: Said, “I don’t answer to anyone,” in an interview—her donors nodded approvingly.
Sentence: Stranded in an Arizona diner, forced to answer questions from actual constituents.

40. Casey DeSantis

Charges: If Ron DeSantis is the charisma equivalent of a wet dishrag, Casey DeSantis is the Stepford Wife glue keeping his dull, authoritarian delusions from completely collapsing under the weight of their shared joylessness. In 2024, she went full “MAGA mom influencer”, touring America with dead-eyed enthusiasm, telling voters that “Ron is fighting for your children”—which, translated from Florida-speak, meant banning books, gutting education, and making school board meetings a war zone of pearl-clutching Karens. Every time Ron fumbled an election event with his personality-deficient presence, Casey was there to soften the edges—like a political handler with a Southern accent and a terrifying ability to grin through pure evil.

Exhibit A: Launched a “Mamas for DeSantis” tour that raked in $5 million in donor cash while Florida’s child poverty rate climbed to 18% under their reign.

Self-damning testimony: Gushed in a 2024 campaign ad, “We’re fighting for your kids,” as Florida teachers reported mass book bans so extreme that even a biography of Rosa Parks got pulled for being too “controversial.”

Sentence: Forced to homeschool her own kids for a year—but only with books her husband banned.

39. JD Vance


Charges: Opportunistic hillbilly cosplayer turned Trump’s bootlicking VP pick. Peddled a faux-Appalachian sob story to sell books, then pivoted to slurping at the MAGA trough faster than you can say “venture capital grift.” Spent years decrying the elite only to cozy up to Silicon Valley sociopaths and a spray-tanned dictator-wannabe. Proof that a beard can’t hide a spineless weasel.
Exhibit A: Wrote Hillbilly Elegy to scold poor whites for their “laziness,” then rode the cultural wave to Fox News stardom while pretending he wasn’t just another Ivy League leech. Now shills for Trump, who’d sooner use Vance’s book as kindling than read it.
Self-Damning Testimony: “We need to be a lot more aggressive about seizing the institutions of the left and turning them against the left. Fire every single mid-level bureaucrat, every civil servant in the administrative state, replace them with our people. And when the courts stop you, stand before the country and say, ‘The chief justice has made his ruling, now let him enforce it.’” (2021 podcast)
Sentence: Forced to live in an actual holler with no Wi-Fi, subsisting on possum jerky and the bitter tears of his abandoned principles, while locals pelt him with empty PBR cans for being a sellout prick.

38. Tucker Carlson

Charges: Fully transitioned from white nationalist dog whistles to just loudly barking on Russian state TV. Abandoned his Fox News gig after spreading election lies, now spends his days filming conspiracy monologues from what looks like a log cabin meth lab.
Exhibit A: In 2024, Carlson’s RT show averaged 3 million views per episode, with 60% of airtime devoted to praising Putin’s “strong leadership.”
Self-damning testimony: Told RT viewers in 2024, “America’s elites hate you,” while pocketing $10M from a Kremlin-backed streaming deal.
Sentence: Accidentally books himself as a guest on his own show and debates himself into a stroke.

37. Kimberly Guilfoyle

Crime: Morphing into the human equivalent of a loud, shrill headache, with every public appearance designed to reinforce her role as Trump’s next ex-wife-in-waiting. Somehow, she makes Fox News seem like The New Yorker.
Exhibit A: That RNC speech. You know the one—the one where she howled like a menopausal banshee after mainlining 12 Red Bulls, veins practically popping out of her neck, eyes bulging like she was trying to out-scream the entire Republican Party. Subtlety? Never heard of it.
Self-Damning Testimony: “The best is yet to come… and you’re going to love it” — posted to Twitter during the Capitol insurrection, as if the chaos unfolding outside wasn’t a clear sign that the best was, in fact, already well past. What a way to prove you’re completely detached from reality and empathy.
Punishment: Forced to host a QVC special for Trump Steaks, live-streamed without makeup, script, or any coherent thoughts, with an audience of exasperated sanitation workers throwing expired meat at her.

36. Matt Gaetz

Charges: The sentient frat house keg party from Florida continues to embody everything loathsome about American politics: corruption, hypocrisy, and the unwavering ability to dodge consequences. Gaetz spent 2024 ranting about the “deep state” while somehow dodging prosecution for an alleged sex trafficking scandal so blatant it would’ve made Jeffrey Epstein blush. His political strategy is a mix of owning the libs and sucking up to Trump like a kid trying to get picked first in kickball. While his colleagues at least pretend to care about governance, Gaetz operates purely as a chaos agent, creating manufactured outrage cycles to distract from the fact that he’s accomplished literally nothing in Congress except getting his Venmo history subpoenaed.

Exhibit A: In 2024, a DOJ report confirmed that Gaetz had spent $10,000 on “consulting” fees to associates tied to his 2021 sex scandal, yet he continued to rant about government corruption with a straight face.

Self-damning testimony: “The deep state is after me,” he whined in 2024, as new Venmo transactions surfaced with sketchy “pizza party” descriptions.

Sentence: Locked in a room with his own Venmo transaction history projected on the walls, no lawyer present.

35. Donald Trump Jr.

Charges: The loudest Trump spawn spent 2024 grifting harder than ever, hawking overpriced “patriot” NFTs and X rants about “winning” while his dad’s legal bills pile up. A coked-up hype man with zero self-awareness, he’s the human equivalent of a car alarm nobody can shut off. Makes Eric look like the smart one, which is an achievement in itself.
Exhibit A: His 2024 “Trump Legacy” NFT drop sold 10,000 units at $999 each, only for buyers to find they were just recycled MAGA hat jpegs worth $2 on the open market.
Self-damning testimony: Posted on X in 2024, “The left can’t stop us—we’re unstoppable!” as his NFT scam faced a $5 million class-action lawsuit.
Sentence: Forced to hunt for truffles in the Mar-a-Lago golf course bunkers.

34. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Charges: The once-promising progressive firebrand has settled comfortably into the role of a left-wing celebrity rather than a legislator, spending more time crafting Instagram-worthy soundbites than actually fighting for the working class she claims to represent. She still pretends she’s “just a bartender” despite raking in millions in book deals, fundraising, and a suspiciously growing real estate portfolio. While she denounces capitalism with well-rehearsed outrage, she’s mastered the art of branding herself into a walking corporate logo, complete with merch sales and gala appearances. Every year, she teeters closer to becoming the Democratic Party’s version of Ted Cruz—an insufferable ideologue more interested in boosting her own brand than passing meaningful policy.

Exhibit A: In 2024, she skipped a key union vote to attend a $10,000-a-plate environmental gala, all while lamenting that billionaires hold too much power over politics.

Self-damning testimony: Tweeted, “Capitalism is the root of all inequality” while sipping wine at a rooftop fundraiser with tech investors.

Sentence: Sentenced to actually work one full shift at a struggling New York diner, tips donated to the Cato Institute.

33. The Entire Cast of The View

Charges: Weaponized menopause for profit. Transformed daytime television into an estrogen-fueled Thunderdome of shrill sanctimony, where every segment is a cacophony of moralizing hot takes slathered in smugness. Marketed as a platform for women’s voices, but mostly just an echo chamber of Manhattan wine moms screeching over each other like caffeinated parrots. Somehow managed to get louder in 2024, pivoting seamlessly from Orange Man Bad diatribes to existential debates about whether pineapple on pizza is a tool of the patriarchy.

Exhibit A: A 2024 episode nose-dived into a full-blown melee over a guest’s hat, culminating in a decibel level so toxic it reportedly sterilized nearby studio interns. Viewership plummeted 25%, suggesting America can only take so much of Joy Behar barking like a seal choking on its own self-importance.

Self-Damning Testimony: Whoopi Goldberg, visibly vibrating with rage, snarled “I’m tired of explaining reality to you people!” during a 2024 segment on UFOs before storming off to raucous applause—because nothing screams credibility like a septuagenarian muppet having an existential meltdown over little green men.

Sentence: Locked in an empty studio, forced to moderate a live debate between their own egos—mic’d up, but forever muted.

32. Lauren Boebert

Charges: Colorado’s gun-toting congressclown kept 2024 loud with her “family values” hypocrisy—caught vaping and groping at a Beetlejuice musical last year, now pivoting to sanctimonious X rants about “Biden’s America.” Still dumber than a bag of hammers.
Exhibit A: Her 2024 re-election campaign spent $50,000 on gun-themed ads, while her district’s schools faced a $10 million funding cut she voted for.
Self-damning testimony: Tweeted in 2024, “Liberals hate God and guns—that’s why I carry both,” posing with an AR-15 and a Bible she’s clearly never read.
Sentence: Sentenced to perform the entire Beetlejuice soundtrack in a community theater, booed offstage nightly.

31. Sam Altman

Charges: OpenAI’s golden boy turned 2024 into a hype fest for AI “revolution,” pocketing billions while his ChatGPT knockoffs churned out more misinformation than a 4chan thread. Smiles like he’s saving the world while quietly lobbying to replace it with code.
Exhibit A: A 2024 glitch in OpenAI’s latest model generated 10,000 fake news articles, including one sparking a brief stock market panic, costing $3 billion.
Self-damning testimony: Gushed at a 2024 conference, “AI will solve humanity’s problems,” as his tech spat out a viral fake Biden speech declaring war on Canada.
Sentence: Trapped in a room with 100 malfunctioning AI bots reciting his own TED Talks, glitching endlessly.

30. Greg Abbott

Charges: Texas’s ghoulish, wheelchair-bound tyrant turned his state into a Hunger Games-style nightmare, where pregnant women have fewer rights than assault rifles. Wasted taxpayer cash on border stunts like razor wire that drowned migrants, while leaving millions without power every winter. A sanctimonious bully who believes governing is trolling liberals on X.
Exhibit A: In 2024, his border policies caused 50 migrant deaths in the Rio Grande and cost $20 million, while Texas led the nation with a 40% spike in book bans and a grid failure left 3 million freezing.
Self-damning testimony: Boasted on X in 2024, “Texas is the last stand for freedom,” as maternal mortality hit a 20-year high and power outages stretched into weeks.
Sentence: Forced to live under the same conditions as an average Texan during a winter storm, untangling his own razor wire with no National Guard to save him.

29. Eric Adams

Charges: Imagine if you crossed a Tammany Hall goon with an Instagram influencer, dressed it in a $5,000 custom suit, and gave it a badge—boom, you get Eric Adams, New York’s human victory lap of a mayor. He strutted through 2024 with all the confidence of a man who mistakes bottle service for policy while his city descended into a hellscape of broken subways, record homelessness, and a rat population that now qualifies for congressional representation. When not posing at glitzy fundraisers or flexing about his NYPD past like a guy who peaked at his high school football championship, he spent the year dodging a corruption probe so blatant even New York’s famously crooked political machine had to pretend to care.

Exhibit A: While the MTA collapsed and residents reported seeing rats inside their apartments inside their refrigerators inside their cereal boxes, Adams proudly defended spending $10 million on an “anti-rat” initiative that seemingly only helped the rats bulk up for winter.

Self-damning testimony: Declared in 2024, “I’m the coolest mayor in America,” while city buses burst into flames like something out of a dystopian video game.

Sentence: Banished to a rat-infested F train at rush hour, forced to live-stream his commute while his Uber account remains permanently suspended.

28. Gavin Newsom

Charges: The human embodiment of a cologne ad, Newsom glides through politics on a fog of hair gel and unearned smugness. He’s spent 2024 performing the most excruciatingly obvious shadow campaign for president without actually running—turning every crisis in California into a national press tour. He’s got all the charm of a corporate motivational speaker, with none of the results: under his watch, San Francisco and Los Angeles have become tent cities, while he assures the public that his state is “leading the way” on progressive policies. Meanwhile, he hops on TV to scold Republicans about their failures, conveniently ignoring the fact that California is a hellscape of inequality, rampant crime, and failing infrastructure—under his leadership.

Exhibit A: In 2024, California’s homeless population surged past 200,000, a 20% spike, while Newsom approved a $50 million “climate leadership” PR campaign to boost his own national image.

Self-damning testimony: “We’re building the future of America,” he boasted while walking past yet another closed-down Walgreens due to organized retail theft.

Sentence: Forced to commute daily on San Francisco’s public transit system, no security detail, no car service, no hair products.

27. Andrew Tate

Charges: The self-proclaimed “Top G” spent 2024 dodging jail in Romania while preaching “alpha male” gospel to insecure teens. Still peddling his pyramid scheme “Hustler’s University” and misogyny so cartoonish it’d make a Bond villain blush.
Exhibit A: Romanian authorities seized $4 million in assets from Tate in 2024, linked to “Hustler’s University” profits, while his arrest warrant loomed.
Self-damning testimony: Tweeted in 2024, “Women are property if you’re a real man—wake up, betas,” then cried “censorship” when banned again.
Sentence: Stranded in a women-only commune with no Wi-Fi, forced to listen to feminist podcasts on loop.

26. Pete Buttigieg

Charges: The transportation secretary spent 2024 posing for photo ops and tweeting platitudes while America’s infrastructure crumbled. A smug overachiever who’d rather charm MSNBC than fix a pothole, he’s all polish, no grit.
Exhibit A: Train derailments spiked 30% in 2024 under his watch, while he spent 50 days on a “listening tour” for his inevitable 2028 run.
Self-damning testimony: Tweeted in 2024, “We’re building back better,” as an Ohio derailment spilled 100,000 gallons of chemicals.
Sentence: Stranded on a broken-down Amtrak train with no Wi-Fi, explaining delays to furious passengers.

25. Mitch McConnell

Charges: The political Grim Reaper finally announced his retirement in 2024, but not before ensuring the country remains an ungovernable wasteland of obstruction and decay. For decades, he’s stacked courts with corporate bootlickers, torpedoed every meaningful piece of legislation, and treated democracy like a sickly horse begging to be shot. If politics is a swamp, McConnell is the ancient, leathery creature lurking at the bottom, whispering filibuster rules into the darkness. Even after stepping down, he couldn’t resist pulling the strings from the shadows, consulting for every soulless GOP operative looking to kill progress in its crib.

Exhibit A: Blocked a $400 billion climate bill in 2024 while Kentucky’s infrastructure remained among the worst in the nation. The same year, he funneled $15 million into a “consulting firm” advising Senate candidates on how to obstruct democracy more efficiently.

Self-damning testimony: Croaked in an interview, “History will judge me kindly,” as a fresh batch of leaked emails revealed his role in derailing voting rights reforms.

Sentence: Forced to personally oversee repairs on every crumbling Kentucky bridge, using only a rusty wrench and his bare, reptilian hands.

24. Ted Cruz

Charges: The sentient lump of cowardice continues to treat Texas as his personal ego farm, alternating between simping for Trump and pretending he’s a rogue genius. Still fleeing disasters like a rodent on a sinking ship.
Exhibit A: Texas suffered another grid failure in 2024, and Cruz was spotted boarding a flight to Miami three hours later.
Self-damning testimony: Tweeted in 2024, “I fight for the little guy,” while posting vacation selfies in Cancun.
Sentence: Stranded in a powerless Texas shack during a blizzard, beard shaved off hourly by windchill.

23. Meghan Markle

Charges: The ex-royal turned 2024 into a relentless PR campaign of faux humility, peddling overpriced jams and Netflix sob stories while pretending she’s still oppressed. A masterclass in monetizing victimhood without a shred of authenticity.
Exhibit A: Her “Archewell Jam” line sold 1,000 jars at $200 each, while her charity donated a measly $50,000 despite raking in $10 million.
Self-damning testimony: Teared up on Netflix in 2024, “I just want to live authentically,” while posing in a $5,000 dress for the promo shoot.
Sentence: Condemned to hawk her jams at a flea market, haggling with bargain hunters.

22. Anthony Fauci

Charges: The retired COVID czar re-emerged in 2024 to cash in on his “hero” status, penning a memoir and hitting the lecture circuit while dodging accountability for flip-flops and lab-leak questions. Still smugly lectures us like we owe him a medal.
Exhibit A: His 2024 book tour sold 100,000 tickets at $50 a pop, while FOIA emails revealed he dismissed lab-leak theories in private despite public waffling.
Self-damning testimony: Said at a 2024 event, “Trust in science is trust in me,” as X users unearthed his 2020 mask U-turns.
Sentence: Locked in a lab with conspiracy theorists dissecting his every email, no podium to hide behind.

21. Clarence Thomas

Charges: The Supreme Court’s grumpiest fossil spent 2024 cashing checks from billionaire pals while gutting rights with zero shame. A living argument against lifetime appointments, he’s the judicial equivalent of a middle finger to progress.
Exhibit A: Accepted a $200,000 “gift” yacht trip from a GOP donor, then wrote the deciding vote to kill a federal housing equity rule.
Self-damning testimony: Wrote in a 2024 opinion, “The Constitution speaks for itself,” while pocketing luxury trips he never disclosed.
Sentence: Every bribe he’s ever taken is converted into Monopoly money.

20. Nancy Grace

Charges: The shrieking true-crime harpy made 2024 unbearable, exploiting every tragedy for ratings while feigning outrage. A vulture in pearls, she’s the human equivalent of a car crash you can’t unsee—only louder and less useful.
Exhibit A: Her 2024 HLN special on a missing toddler drew 5 million viewers, with 80% of airtime spent on baseless theories that tanked the real investigation.
Self-damning testimony: Screeched in 2024, “Justice demands answers!” while misidentifying the suspect on live TV for the third time that year.
Sentence: Locked in a soundproof courtroom, forced to whisper her theories to an empty jury box.

19. MrBeast

Charges: The YouTube philanthropist-industrialist turned charity into a content farm, weaponizing feel-good stunts for engagement while making poverty a spectacle for his audience of 12-year-olds. His business model? Solve systemic issues one viral video at a time—but only if there’s a sappy thumbnail and 100 million views attached. Gave away cars to people who can’t afford gas, paid for eye surgeries like he invented vision, and monetized human desperation while smiling through it all. Like The Daily BEAST, has made way more money off the word “BEAST” than anyone involved with The Buffalo BEAST – which predates them both. Somehow convinced the world that corporate-sponsored stunts are the future of social safety nets.

Exhibit A: In 2024, he funded 1,000 life-changing medical procedures—but only for those willing to be human props in his latest content drop.

Self-damning testimony: Defended himself on X: “I’m just trying to do good in the world,” while selling “limited-edition” T-shirts made in a Southeast Asian sweatshop.

Sentence: Forced to fix real systemic issues—but without a camera crew or corporate sponsorship.

18. Lindsey Graham

Charges: The spineless senator spent 2024 flip-flopping between Trump loyalty and faux “principled conservative” posturing, all while clutching his pearls on cable news. A one-man weather vane of cowardice.
Exhibit A: Co-sponsored a bill with Trump allies to gut voting rights, then skipped the vote after X backlash, citing a “scheduling conflict.”
Self-damning testimony: Whined on Fox in 2024, “I’m just trying to keep America safe,” as he dodged questions about his 180 on Trump.
Sentence: Forced to debate his own flip-flops on a live split-screen with 2016 Lindsey, no mute button.

17. Joe Rogan

Charges: The self-styled “free thinker” and podcast titan spent 2024 amplifying misinformation and flirting with the fringes of discourse, all under the guise of open dialogue. Rogan’s platform became a haven for conspiracy theorists, anti-vaxxers, and purveyors of pseudoscience, allowing baseless claims to reach millions without adequate challenge or fact-checking. His penchant for controversial takes extended to sensitive topics like the AIDS crisis, where he irresponsibly promoted debunked theories linking the disease to recreational drug use, undermining decades of public health education. Rogan’s influence, once seen as a bridge between mainstream and alternative perspectives, has increasingly become a conduit for harmful ideologies and misinformation.​

Exhibit A: In a February 2024 episode, Rogan and guest Bret Weinstein promoted the debunked claim that party drugs such as poppers were “a very important factor in AIDS,” and falsely asserted that the antiviral drug AZT killed people “quicker” than AIDS itself, drawing sharp criticism from health experts. ​

Self-damning testimony: Defending his platforming of controversial figures, Rogan stated, “I’m just asking questions,” a refrain that has become synonymous with the spread of unchecked misinformation under the guise of curiosity.​

Sentence: Sentenced to a year-long fact-checking apprenticeship at a reputable news organization, required to substantiate every claim made on his podcast with credible sources before airing.​

16. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Charges: Once known as the lesser Kennedy with a mild environmentalist streak, RFK Jr. mutated into America’s leading conspiracy uncle in 2024, transforming a famous last name into a clearance-rack version of Alex Jones. What started as a quixotic third-party presidential run quickly devolved into a traveling anti-vaxx revival meeting, where he ranted about Big Pharma, muttered darkly about “shadowy elites”, and tried to convince America that he’s somehow both a free-thinking maverick and the rightful heir to Camelot. Meanwhile, his campaign became a magnet for every frothing QAnon weirdo, crypto bro, and “both sides” voter too dumb to remember 2016.

Exhibit A: His 2024 campaign raised $20 million, with 70% of it coming from donors linked to QAnon-affiliated PACs, because when you mainstream “vaccines are mind control” long enough, the Illuminati crowd starts seeing you as their messiah.

Self-damning testimony: At a 2024 rally, RFK Jr. solemnly declared, “The government is lying to you about everything,” while his own sister publicly begged him to “please stop embarrassing the family.”

Sentence: Locked in a room with every living Kennedy who still has dignity, forced to explain himself while his microphone randomly cuts out.

15. Kamala Harris

Charges: America’s least inspiring vice president continued her tenure of baffling word salads, awkward laughter, and a complete refusal to do anything resembling the job. Still hasn’t figured out what a border czar does, but it sure as hell isn’t visiting the border.
Exhibit A: Spent 2024 delivering speeches about “hope” while the U.S. saw the highest number of illegal crossings in decades.
Self-damning testimony: Cackled in a 2024 interview, “We’re making progress, you know, progress!” when asked about border policy.
Sentence: Forced to give unscripted press conferences daily, no teleprompter, for a month.

14. Vivek Ramaswamy

Charges: Silicon Valley’s answer to a used car salesman decided to LARP as a presidential candidate in 2024, delivering a performance so grating that even the actual used car salesmen in the GOP field asked him to tone it down. He spent the year loudly ranting about “the deep state” and “wokeness,” as if America was on the verge of collapse because someone put a rainbow on a cereal box. The man’s entire campaign was a TED Talk gone wrong—less about winning voters and more about securing that sweet, sweet post-election Fox News gig. And when it all inevitably crashed and burned, he pivoted straight back to shilling his book, proving once and for all that he was just an AI-generated grift machine set to “Maximum Smarm.”

Exhibit A: Spent $30 million on ads screeching about “anti-establishment truth,” while quietly cashing checks from the same GOP megadonors who bankroll everything he pretended to oppose.

Self-damning testimony: In 2024, he tweeted, “I’m here to dismantle the system,” from a private jet that still had the “Thanks for the $50M fraud settlement” gift basket from his old biotech firm in the cockpit.

Sentence: Trapped in a debate against his own Twitter history, no fast-talking interruptions allowed, only a slowly growing awareness of his own fraudulence.

13. Oprah Winfrey

Charges: The undisputed queen of self-help grifting spent another year peddling expensive pseudoscience while pretending to be a beacon of wisdom. Endorsed a $200-per-hour “healer” who claimed to cure anxiety by staring into people’s eyes for five minutes.
Exhibit A: Her “Healing Summit” charged desperate attendees $5,000 to sit in a conference hall while millionaire speakers told them to “manifest” happiness.
Self-damning testimony: Gushed in 2024, “You are enough,” while charging $10,000 for a private “transformation retreat.”
Sentence: Forced to lead a free yoga class in a Walmart parking lot, no cameras allowed.

12. Rudy Giuliani

Charges: Went from “America’s Mayor” to “America’s Drunkest Conspiracy Theorist.” Still inexplicably appearing on TV despite facing enough lawsuits to require a bingo card. Hair dye-induced mental breakdown remains his most coherent public statement in years.
Exhibit A: In 2024, Giuliani lost a $148 million defamation suit, then tried to pay it off with a GoFundMe that raised $12 and a signed 9/11 photo.
Self-damning testimony: Slurred on Newsmax in 2024, “I’ve got proof the election was stolen—hic—just wait!” as his lawyer quietly filed for bankruptcy.
Sentence: Banned from liquor stores and forced to do pro bono legal work for the people he defrauded.

11. Ivanka Trump

Charges: The human embodiment of privilege slithered back into the public eye, pretending she had nothing to do with her father’s crimes. Tried to rebrand herself as a “lifestyle entrepreneur,” but her real talent remains disappearing whenever accountability comes knocking.
Exhibit A: Launched a new “Ivanka Living” fashion line while dodging subpoenas related to Trump Organization fraud.
Self-damning testimony: Said in a 2024 interview, “I just want to focus on my family,” while still collecting cash from shady real estate deals.
Sentence: Sentenced to hawk her wares at a flea market next to Don Jr., no VIP tent.

10. Alex Jones

Charges: America’s loudest lunatic kept the grift alive by pretending to be bankrupt while still raking in millions from the dumbest people alive. Spent 2024 ranting about lizard people while dodging defamation payouts he legally owes to Sandy Hook families.
Exhibit A: His Infowars revenue hit $80 million despite filing for bankruptcy to avoid paying lawsuits.
Self-damning testimony: Screamed in 2024, “They can’t silence the truth!” while hawking $60 “Super Male Vitality” to fund his legal bills.
Sentence: Forced to whisper his conspiracies in a soundproof box, no buyers in sight.

9. Nancy Pelosi

Charges: The queen of performative resistance finally retired, but not before cashing in on her last stock tips. Smirked through every interview like she invented democracy while raking in millions from insider trading.
Exhibit A: Her 2024 stock trades outperformed the market by 45%, with suspiciously timed sales netting $10 million before a tech sector crash.
Self-damning testimony: Told reporters, “I’ve always worked for the American people,” despite her net worth tripling during her tenure.
Sentence: Forced to live in a San Francisco tent city she ignored, with only her stock portfolio statements to keep her warm.

8. Mike Pence

Charges: Spent 2024 trying to distance himself from Trump while still dog-whistling to the same crowd. His memoir tour was so dull it made Joe Manchin seem electrifying by comparison.
Exhibit A: Earned $2 million from a book that 90% of buyers never finished.
Self-damning testimony: Said on Fox, “I did what was right on January 6th,” while still defending Trump’s policies.
Sentence: Locked in a prayer circle with January 6th rioters, no Bible to clutch.

7. Kristi Noem

Charges: America’s most deranged dog-murdering politician spent 2024 proving she’ll do anything for attention, including proudly recounting how she shot her own puppy for being “untrainable.” That would normally end someone’s political career, but in today’s GOP, it’s just a résumé booster. When she wasn’t slaughtering household pets, she was licking Trump’s boots in a desperate bid to be his VP pick, hoping he’d overlook the fact that she has the charisma of a microwaved Lean Cuisine.
Exhibit A: Polling showed her popularity among Republicans actually increased after she bragged about executing her dog like she was describing a fun family memory.
Self-damning testimony: Told Fox News in 2024, “Sometimes, tough decisions have to be made,” referring not to her pet, but to her chances of getting on Trump’s ticket.
Sentence: Sent to work in an overrun animal shelter, forced to bottle-feed puppies every night while Sarah McLachlan music plays on a loop.

6. Rupert Murdoch

Charges: The undead overlord of American disinformation spent another year poisoning democracy while pretending to be a humble newsman. Even in semi-retirement, his media empire continued vomiting out propaganda, fueling election lies, vaccine conspiracies, and economic paranoia—all while his accountants expertly dodged taxes. Fox News finally had to pay for its blatant election fraud nonsense, but don’t worry, Murdoch personally didn’t lose a dime. His legacy? The world’s first media tycoon to successfully turn senility into a business model.
Exhibit A: Fox News was forced to settle a $787 million lawsuit for lying about the 2020 election, while Murdoch quietly reshuffled executives to keep the same grift going.
Self-damning testimony: Smirked in a deposition, “It’s not about red or blue, it’s about green,” before returning to his coffin.
Sentence: Locked in a Fox News studio, forced to watch endless reruns of Sean Hannity mispronouncing simple words.

5. Joe Biden

Charges: America’s oldest sleepwalker spent 2024 proving that you don’t actually have to do anything to be president—just outlast the other guy. As the nation spiraled deeper into chaos, he responded with vacant stares, vague half-mumbled phrases about “folks,” and an unwavering commitment to doing the absolute bare minimum. Barely aware of what year it is, he somehow remains the Democratic Party’s best shot in November, which is exactly as depressing as it sounds. His only major accomplishments were continuing to exist and making Donald Trump seem like an even bigger nightmare by comparison.
Exhibit A: Polls showed a majority of Americans believe he is “too old to serve,” yet he remains the only thing standing between the U.S. and full-blown fascism.
Self-damning testimony: Slurred at a rally, “Listen, Jack, the thing is, and I mean this… democracy.”
Sentence: Forced to spend his retirement actually enjoying it instead of being wheeled into another election.

4. Elon Musk

Charges: 2024 was yet another year of Musk proving that being rich doesn’t make you smart. After turning Twitter (sorry, X) into a digital landfill of trolls and propaganda, he spent the year tanking Tesla’s stock, fumbling his AI ventures, and inserting himself into geopolitics like an overly confident Reddit moderator. Declared himself a champion of “free speech,” which apparently meant reinstating every suspended white nationalist while blocking journalists who made fun of him. When he wasn’t playing Bond villain on social media, he was busy cosplaying as a genius, despite a series of embarrassing Tesla recalls, a failing Neuralink experiment, and yet another unsuccessful attempt to make humans care about the Metaverse.

Exhibit A: In 2024, X’s user base declined another 15% after he reinstated thousands of extremist accounts. Meanwhile, Tesla stock plummeted by 20% following an autopilot glitch that resulted in a wave of lawsuits. His much-hyped AI project turned out to be a glorified chatbot that recommended racist conspiracy theories after five interactions.

Self-damning testimony: Posted on X, “I’m the real-life Tony Stark,” as SpaceX lost a billion-dollar government contract due to overpromising and underdelivering.

Sentence: Trapped in a self-driving Tesla with no brakes, forced to communicate exclusively through an X algorithm that only recommends Jordan Peterson tweets.

3. “Diddy” Combs (Or Whatever Name He’s Rebranding To This Week)

Charges: Once the flashiest mogul in hip-hop, now just a walking RICO case waiting to happen. Turns out, behind the glossy image of a champagne-swilling, jet-hopping industry kingpin was something much uglier: a rap sheet of allegations so grim they make his ghostwriters’ contracts look ethical. The man who once danced in the background of every music video like a sentient bottle service charge now finds himself drowning in lawsuits that read like a rejected Law & Order: SVU script. Industry rumors about his “business practices” have followed him for decades, but 2024 finally threw open the floodgates, and—surprise—turns out all the whispers weren’t just bitter ex-employees talking. Who could’ve guessed the guy who built an empire on sample theft and suspiciously one-sided record deals would also allegedly treat people in his personal life like disposable assets?

Exhibit A: Hit with multiple lawsuits in 2024 accusing him of sexual assault, physical abuse, human trafficking, and enough NDAs to wallpaper his entire Miami mansion. Former bodyguards, ex-girlfriends, and business associates describe a man who ran his empire like a deranged nightclub villain in a bad straight-to-streaming crime thriller.

Self-damning testimony: Released a statement saying, “I will fight these allegations and clear my name,” while reportedly throwing hush money around like confetti at one of his yacht parties.

Sentence: Stripped of his fortune and forced to personally hand-deliver backpay to every Bad Boy Records artist he ever shafted. Then locked in a club playing I Need a Girl (Pt. 2) on loop, bottle service just out of reach.

2. Donald Trump

Charges: The undisputed champion of loathsomeness until the day he finally collapses under the weight of his own ego, Trump spent 2024 doing exactly what you’d expect: ranting about witch hunts, dodging court dates, and still somehow maintaining a cult-like grip on his base. Facing 91 felony charges, he turned every indictment into a fundraising opportunity, proving that his supporters will happily burn democracy to the ground as long as it makes liberals cry. He spent the year bouncing between courtrooms, golf courses, and campaign rallies, a true American horror story that refuses to end.
Exhibit A: Hosted a rally days before his fraud trial verdict, calling it “the biggest witch hunt in history” as his supporters chanted, “Hang the judge!”
Self-damning testimony: Roared in 2024, “I’m the greatest president ever!” as prosecutors played his phone calls pressuring judges on live TV.
Sentence: Finally sent to prison, but somehow makes it a for-profit venture—selling “Trump Jail Merch” to MAGA diehards from his cell.

1. The American Voter Who Still Thinks ‘Both Sides Are The Same’

Charges: The most dangerous person in America isn’t a politician, billionaire, or media mogul—it’s the apathetic dipshit who shrugs while democracy burns. This is the person who complains about everything but never votes, who claims elections are “rigged” while doing nothing to stop authoritarianism from spreading like wildfire. They’ll tweet about how both parties suck while ignoring the fact that one party is actively dismantling voting rights, banning books, and turning the Supreme Court into a right-wing puppet show. Their indifference is what keeps America stuck in a death spiral, and yet they refuse to accept even an ounce of responsibility for the mess they helped create.
Exhibit A: In 2024, 40% of eligible voters in this group stayed home during midterms, while tweets tagged #BothSidesAreTheSame spiked 300% amid rising voter suppression bills.
Self-damning testimony: Muttered on X in 2024, “They’re all corrupt—why bother?” while binge-watching Netflix during a historic voter suppression wave.
Sentence: Forced to live in the country they helped create.