Yesterday’s Gains Were Historic, Alright—Historically Crooked

On Wednesday, the stock market pulled off a stunt that made even the most jaded Wall Street cokeheads blink twice: the Dow surged nearly 3,000 points, the S&P 500 logged its biggest single-day gain since World War II, and the NASDAQ smashed its own record for a daily spike—all because Donald J. Trump, the grifter-in-chief, decided to hit the pause button on his tariff tantrum. After weeks of threatening to kneecap global trade with a 10% across-the-board import tax (and a cartoonish 125% on China, because why not?), Trump posted on Truth Social—a platform that’s basically X for people who think X is too woke—that he was giving the world a 90-day breather. Oh, and he’d generously lower that reciprocal tariff to a measly 10%. Cue the confetti cannons and the champagne flutes on the NYSE floor.

The result? A $4 trillion market-value bonanza in ten minutes flat. Delta Airlines soared 23%. Tesla, despite Elon Musk’s half-hearted grumbling about tariffs last week, shot up like it was fueled by SpaceX rockets. Traders were high-fiving each other so hard they needed ice packs by noon. “Historic,” the talking heads on CNBC gushed, like they’d just witnessed Moses parting the Red Sea instead of a guy in a too-long tie typing all-caps nonsense on his phone.

But here’s the kicker: hours before this “surprise” announcement, Trump posted something else on Truth Social. “THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BUY!!! DJT,” he bellowed into the digital void, sounding less like a president and more like a late-night infomercial selling gold-plated steak knives. And wouldn’t you know it, the market obeyed like a trained poodle. By the end of the day, anyone who listened to the Don’s tip—and had the cash to play—made out like bandits. Meanwhile, Democratic lawmakers like Adam Schiff and Mike Levin were screaming “market manipulation” and many were calling it a “pump-and-dump scheme.” Over 33,000 tweets and counting, folks. Even the memes were savage: “Trump just turned the White House into a Wall Street casino,” someone quipped on X, complete with a photoshopped Don in a dealer’s visor.

So, let’s cut through the noise and ask the obvious: is Trump rigging the stock market for his own gain and the benefit of his spray-tanned dynasty? Spoiler alert: of course he fucking is. This isn’t even a conspiracy theory—it’s just Tuesday in Trumpland. The real question is why anyone expected anything different when they handed this guy the keys to the economy. Altruism? From Donald Trump? The man who once tried to sell us “Trump University” like it was a real thing? Come on, America. You didn’t just drink the Kool-Aid—you chugged it straight from the firehose.

The Art of the Steal: How It Works

Let’s break this down like it’s a heist movie, because that’s what it is. Step one: Trump and his inner circle— Jared Kushner, Ivanka, maybe Don Jr. if he’s not too busy posing with dead leopards—know what’s coming. Tariffs are the perfect weapon: they’re chaotic, they spook markets, and they give the president unilateral power to flick the switch. Step two: they position themselves. Maybe they short the market when the tariff talk heats up, watching stocks tank as CEOs like Jamie Dimon and Larry Fink clutch their pearls on TV. Step three: Trump drops a hint—“GREAT TIME TO BUY!!!”—and the family, along with their billionaire buddies (looking at you, Elon), pile back in at the bottom. Step four: he flips the script, pauses the tariffs, and bam—the market rockets up, their portfolios fatten, and the rest of us are left wondering why our 401(k)s still suck.

The financial press is tiptoeing around it, because they’re terrified of sounding like tinfoil-hat loons. The New York Times called it “encouragement of stock investors” that “draws scrutiny.” Reuters said it “triggered accusations of market manipulation.” TIME quoted Senator Schiff demanding an investigation into “insider trading or market manipulation.” But nobody’s got the balls to say it outright: Trump’s running a racket, and the stock market’s his personal ATM. Why? Because proving it means wading through a swamp of shell companies, offshore accounts, and the confusing legal murk.

What Did You Expect?

Here’s the part that’ll make you want to punch a wall: none of this should surprise anyone. When America handed Trump the economic reins—twice, mind you—what did people think would happen? That he’d turn into Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life, selflessly tending to the nation’s piggy bank? This is the guy who bankrupted casinos—casinos—where the house always wins. The guy who stiffed contractors, hawked steaks at Sharper Image, and turned Mar-a-Lago into a pay-to-play influence mill. Altruism? Trump doesn’t know the word unless it’s tattooed on a supermodel’s ass in gold leaf.

Back in 2016, and again in 2024, the pitch was simple: he’s a businessman, he’ll run the country like a business. And yeah, he has—his business. The Trump Organization’s been a grift machine for decades, and now it’s got the whole U.S. Treasury as its backstop. People expected a rising tide to lift all boats, but the only boats floating are the ones with “TRUMP” in neon on the side. The MAGA crowd ate it up, cheering as he slashed taxes for the rich and bragged about the Dow like it was his personal report card. They didn’t care that his “economic genius” was mostly hot air, inherited wealth, and a knack for screwing over anyone dumb enough to trust him. They wanted a wrecking ball, and they got one—just didn’t realize it’d wreck them too.

Yesterday’s market spike? That’s the payoff. A masterclass in self-dealing so blatant it’d earn the envy of any card shark hustler. The tariff whiplash—impose, threaten, pause—turned the market into a yo-yo, and Trump’s holding the string. His supporters who bought in after his “BUY!!!” post made a killing, sure. But the real winners? The ones who knew the play before he hit “send.” The family. The cronies. The billionaires who’ve been riding his coattails since day one.

The Fallout: Who Pays?

So who’s left holding the bag? You, me, and every schmuck who didn’t get the memo. The market’s historic gains sound great until you realize they’re built on sand. Tariffs tanked consumer confidence, jacked up prices, and had companies like Delta pulling 2025 forecasts faster than you can say “recession.” The pause might’ve juiced stocks, but it’s a sugar high—temporary, unstable, and guaranteed to crash once the next Trump tweet hits. And when it does, the little guy’s the one eating the losses, while the Trump clan’s already cashed out.

Democrats are howling for investigations—Schiff, Levin, even Tina Smith muttering “he certainly had a lot to gain.” Good luck with that. The exchanges might poke around for “trading anomalies,” but pinning this on Trump’s like nailing Jell-O to a wall. He’s got the Justice Department in his pocket, the SEC’s too busy chasing crypto scams, and half of Congress thinks he’s the second coming of Reagan. Plus, he’s got the ultimate defense: “I’m just reassuring Americans!” Cue the White House spin machine, churning out bullshit faster than a manure spreader.

The Money Shot

Yesterday wasn’t a win for America—it was a win for Trump’s America, where the game’s rigged, the house always wins, and the suckers keep buying tickets. Stock market manipulation? Call it what it is: a heist in broad daylight, pulled off by a guy who’s spent his life perfecting the art of the steal. What did we expect? That he’d suddenly grow a conscience at 78? That he’d put country over self? Nah. We gave a con man the economy, and he’s running it like a three-card Monte table on 42nd Street.

The only surprise is we’re still surprised. Trump’s not hiding it—he’s bragging about it. “GREAT TIME TO BUY!!!” isn’t a tip; it’s a taunt. And yesterday’s historic gains? They’re the sound of the cash register ringing—for him, his family, and the vultures circling the White House. The rest of us? We’re just the marks who keep falling for the oldest trick in the book.