In The American Beast’s first leaked exclusive, we share with you the transcript of Trump’s planned March 4 address to the Joint Sessions of Congress. It is, as he promised, full of big things. Bigly things. Many Bothans died for this information, so please take this seriously.

“Folks, folks—great people of America, Congress, some of you losers too, let’s be honest—I’m here tonight, and it’s gonna be big. Biggest night ever, maybe in history, nobody does big like me. I invented ‘bigly,’ fantastic word—Webster’s calling, they say, ‘Sir, it’s genius,’ I say, ‘I know, I know.’ I’m here to tell it like it is—no fake news, no Sleepy Joe mumbling, just Trump, straight up. Let’s roll—these deals are bigly, believe me.

First—economy. Disaster before me, total mess—Biden wrecked it, worst ever. I’m fixing it with a bigly deal—huge tax cut, biggest since Reagan, maybe bigger, for my buddies at the top. Billionaires, great people—Bezos, Musk, me—they create jobs, not the losers begging for handouts. Jobs are coming back—bigly jobs—I’ve got a deal with Apple, fantastic company, they love me. Moving iPhone factories from China to Florida—sun, sand, and American-made, folks, with my logo on every phone, gold, classy. Tim Cook says, ‘Sir, you’re a dealmaker,’ I say, ‘Always have been.’

Borders—bigly problem, illegals pouring in, rapists, murderers, some good ones, sure, but mostly bad. Wall’s going up—taller, stronger, with a Trump Casino on top—slots, blackjack, keeping ’em out while we win big. Mexico’s paying, I’ve got a deal—great deal—they send tequila, we sell it, fund the wall. Tremendous. Kamala couldn’t do it, she’s a disaster—where is she, anyway? Hiding, sad!

Energy—oil’s back, baby, bigly back. I’ve got a deal with Exxon—great guys, tough guys—they’re drilling everywhere, Texas, Alaska, your backyard if it’s got crude. Gas at a buck a gallon, maybe free if you vote for me—kidding, but maybe not! Wind turbines? Ugly, bird-chopping junk—I’m scrapping ’em for Trump Oil Towers, gold-plated rigs pumping freedom fuel. Climate change? Hoax, folks, Chinese scam—I fixed it by ignoring it.

Crime—bigly mess in the cities, Chicago, New York, total war zones. I’ve got a deal with the NRA—great folks, patriots—we’re arming every teacher, every grandma, concealed carry everywhere. Bad guys try something? Boom, done—Second Amendment solves it, best amendment, maybe tied with the First, I love ’em both. Cops get tanks, too—bigly tanks—because I respect law and order, nobody more than me.

Now, let’s talk Zelensky—oh boy, that meeting, folks, bigly deal, everyone’s yapping about it. Little guy from Ukraine, comes into my Oval Office last week—great office, the best—acting like he’s the boss. Wants my minerals deal, wants my guns, wants my money—your money, folks—and doesn’t even say ‘Thank you, Sir!’ Ungrateful, total disaster. I told him, ‘Volodymyr, you’ve got no cards, pal—you’re begging, I’m winning.’ He starts whining about Russia, Putin this, Putin that—listen, I’ve got a bigly relationship with Putin, great guy, smart guy, we’re pals. Zelensky? He’s gambling with World War III, I said it—pew pew, big war, bad news. I kicked him out—‘Come back when you’re ready for peace!’ He’s crying to Europe now, boo-hoo, sad! I’ve got a bigly deal brewing with Vlad—peace, minerals, maybe a Trump Tower Kyiv, gold, gorgeous. Ukraine’s done without me, folks, done.

And space—NASA’s weak, sleepy, I’m taking over. Bigly deal with SpaceX—Elon’s my guy, brilliant—we’re building Trump Space Force Bases on the moon, Mars, maybe Jupiter, who knows? Gold domes, golf courses up there—18 holes, zero gravity, longest drives ever. Aliens? We’ll deport ’em—legal ones can stay, maybe work the clubs. Costs a fortune, sure, but we’ll make the Martians pay—great negotiator, me.

Look, folks—this is big. Bigger than Crooked Hillary’s emails, bigger than Obama’s tan suit scandal—remember that? Lame! I’m making America bigly again—nobody else can, just me. Dems are crying, media’s lying, Zelensky’s pouting, but you know the truth—I’m the best, always have been. Stand up, cheer, love me—it’s gonna be tremendous. Thank you, God bless me, God bless my America!”

(pump a fist)